Saturday, April 4, 2009

difference is, differences.

Things have evolved. I'm not sure why or how, they just have. I am sad.

We sleep on separate sides of the bed. It's almost as if we are in different rooms. We might as well be. We only speak in person, unless it is terribly necessary. Even that is beginning to lose its charm.

He gets nervous. When the boys are away, the girls will stray, but not me.
I would never.
I probably should.
But I couldn't.
I probably should.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

forever

It's funny. Things happen right before your eyes, and sometimes you never see how obvious everything is until it's too late.

It's 1:16 a.m. I just want to sleep forever but sleep seems far away. I have a hard time sleeping at night lately, yet I find myself in dreamland come mid-afternoon. I have a hard time even finding words anymore, yet they're all on the tip of my tongue.

Nothing seems in place. I feel almost as if I have drifted off into what I wish I would never have become. Everything that happens to me just feels wrong as of late. I want a home to go to. Not a house, but a mind state sort of home. A place where I belong. I miss the feeling of security. I miss the feeling of knowing where I stood with everyone I knew. I hate this guessing game I've played for the past year. The constant worry and wonder of who is going to be around tomorrow and who really cares today.

I've paid my karma dues. Karma actually owes me at this point. My anxiety has taken a toll on me. It never goes away. It's quickly becoming my best friend. At least it keeps me in line when I seem to drift off. Like a flash back to reality. 

I can't even feel disappointment anymore. I don't even know what that means. It simply seems like a lifestyle. I'm always the first person to tell people to look at the bright side of things and stay positive, hoping that it will pass onto me. My hopes are so low, that it has become almost impossible to disappoint me anymore, which is good in a sense. It's bittersweet, but true. The less I expect, the more I can be surprised and thus, happy. Yet, why must everyone I meet be a let down? It's becoming impossible for any legitimate "good people" to be out there. Everyone has their own ulterior motives, be it someone using you to get to your friends, or someone using their friends to get to you. You can't trust anyone. It's disgusting. I really don't think I ask for much. I just want honesty and love. Don't tell me you love me. Show it. Be present. "Constantly speaking isn't necessarily communicating." Apparently that's too much to ask for these days

When people stop being shitty I'll come out from under my pillow. Until then, au revoir.