Thursday, October 29, 2009

October 29, 2009

I wake up confused as to who I should have priority in my words; who should have the privilege of talking to me first and have my concentration and attention. There are many contenders but the one who actually wins isn't who I truly want it to be. It is a shock but a rude awakening that just maybe, I am wrong. I find that hard to believe. I know where this "heart" of mine lies.



About 12 hours have passed since I started writing this. Hoping words would find me but everything has escaped.

Actions tend to speak louder than words and the actions that have been taken and words that have been spoken by him are nonexistent. A stunted, feeble attempt at communication is all that was received, yet I am left with a feeling of security. He's outdone himself yet again, and I feel my foundations shaking.

"Go after her. Don't sit there and wait for her to call. Go after her because that's what you should do. If you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign because it might never come. Don't let people happen to you. Don't let me happen to you. Don't let her happen to you. There are people I might have loved, had they run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they needed to tell me how they felt right then and there because they could not forgive themselves if they didn't. I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back and the only one to act like an idiot, or be entirely vulnerable and honest. Making someone fall in love with you is easy. Flying 3000 miles on 4 days notice because you just can't sit there and do nothing is easy. Breathing into telephones is not everyone's idea of love, but it's the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream and be with people in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is. That is raw and that is unguarded and that's all that is worth anything, really."


Thursday, October 22, 2009

October 22, 2009

It's like a constant hit to the funny bone.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

October 4-5

October 5, 2009

I am a walking contradiction. I feel almost as if I am not really there. The actions I take don't reflect what I am thinking. I feel like a robot gone haywire. A broken heart made me nuts. I feel almost as if I can remember the exact night I felt the switch click off, or on.